Top Secret: Defence Plans for the London Olympics

Posted: May 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

 I was in the Royal Air Force for a while. As well as washing bottles and painting the grass green, my duties included the weighty responsibility of the Air Defence of Great Britain. So I can confidently reveal the top-secret plans for the Defence of the London Summer Olympic Games 2012 (before the copyright police shut me down).

FATIMA System. The Force Air Tracking Interceptor Missile Apparatus. The RAF will be re-commissioning Fatima Whitbread, who will be stationed on top of the London Eye.  With the aid of the reconstituted Royal Observer Corps (manned by paparazzi granted lifetime image rights on Princess Catherine Middleton’s backside), the FATIMA system will provide 24/7 coverage of Greater London, except for toilet breaks. She will be supplied with sustainable organic projectiles (codename “Javelin”) to launch at any errant airliner. This capability far exceeds anything in the current inventory of the UK Armed Forces.

 BARRAGE NANNIES. In addition to the FATIMA system, every London nanny (with the Cameron and Osborne households exempted) will be conscripted and issued with a standard POPPINS, MARY umbrella. They will float in the air around the Olympic venues, providing a physical barrier to any air terrorist act.

 PROJECT HEATHROW. The potential air threat from domestic and international air travel will be completely eliminated by a carefully-designed plan to eliminate all air traffic movements from above the London skies. Already, massive backlogs in arrivals at Heathrow are deterring potential jihadists. By the time of the Olympics, there will be a three-month waiting time to clear UK Border Agency arrivals. So any terrorist will be forced to delay their atrocity until after the Olympics have concluded.

 COVERT SNIPERS. As with any major events, there will be police marksmen stationed on rooftops. In this case, they will be cunningly disguised – as chimney sweeps. The long brush-handles will in fact be the barrels of rifles, and the armed officers have been trained in the characteristic “dance” to enhance their disguise, as well as making rapid ascents and descents via chimneys.

 OTHER CONTINGENCIES. In order to ensure the smooth running of the country, further contingencies have been planned. Bankers’ bonuses will be relocated to a top-secret vault safe from attack, ministers will be conducting day-to-day business from their Oxfordshire mansions and MPs will be granted additional “third homes”. Public reassurance will be provided to concerned Londoners as well. Dame Judi Dench will be dressed as the Queen Mum (Gawd Bless ‘Er), walking the streets of Lahndon, telling people to Keep Calm and Carry On.

So, we have nothing to fear! Keep Calm and Carry On!

 

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