My Predictions for 2013

Posted: December 31, 2012 in Uncategorized

1. The Queen will abdicate. Her Majesty will claim the onset of old age, but the real reason is a Christmas Day 2012 dispute with Charles over who won a cracker-pull and got to wear the crown. An attempt by the Duke of Edinburgh to mediate was unsuccessful (“leave it aht, Phil, ‘e ain’t worv it!”) and Charles assumes the throne, with the title Zog II, inspired by King Zog of the Albanians, the coolest monarch’s name in human history.

2. The government will introduce an “oxygen tax” on aerobic metabolic activity in a desperate attempt to reduce the fiscal deficit caused by handing over generations of taxpayers’ money to bankers. “No one need worry about asphyxiation,” they will claim, as a 20 page form for qualified oxygen tax relief is introduced.

3. Gay marriage proposals will reach the legislative stages, resulting in a backlash from the bigoted backbenches, who will raise the spectre of “gay stag parties” descending on British cities, dressed as cowboys, indians, sailors, builders, motorcyclists and policemen. However, a messy compromise will be agreed with reactionary Conservatives, with a composite bill legalising foxhunting for gay married couples and long queues of people in hunting-red and fake moustaches outside registry offices and participating churches (marry one, marry another one free while the offer lasts, terms and conditions apply).

4. The Scottish independence referendum arrangements will be unveiled. Voters (anyone who hates the English will be eligible) will be presented with a choice of two options: “Freedom from the English oppressors who murdered William Wallace, cleared the glens for sheep and who want our oil” or “continued slavery under the English yoke for all eternity”.

5. The second part of The Hobbit trilogy will be released. Bilbo finally makes it from Bag End after the extended dwarfs dinner-party of the first episode and spends most of the film in a riddle-battle with a mysterious creature who is revealed to be Gollum at the very end, padded out with lots of footage of brooding elves. Director Peter Jackson reveals that the 351 page novel will be a “trilogy of trilogies” and returns to New Zealand to begin filming the second trilogy.

6. Author JK Rowling’s 2012 Christmas shopping list (Waitrose and M&S) is the subject of a frenzied bidding war in the publishing industry. She pushes her long-faithful agent off a cliff and sells the rights to Rupert Murdoch in return for the Moon. The BBC adapts The Casual Shopping Trip into a lavish drama with bits of searing social commentary.

7. Geriatric erotica is the surprising publishing hit of 2013, and quickly becomes know as Granny Porn. “Ada slowly slipped her teeth from her liver-spotted lips, drool trailing from the glistening pink gums as she turned her silver-permed head towards me….” The large print version will be uncomfortably visible on buses and trains up and down the country.

8. Amazon will unveil a Kindle that can be read in the bath and *doesn’t break every bloody year*

9. The Edinburgh Tram will finally begin operations on December 31 2013, when a single vehicle leaves the depot at Gogar and arrives at St Andrew Square in time for 23:59hrs, to meet contractual obligations and allow the payment of bonuses. Tickets will be sold for £250 including a glass of cash-and-carry vintage bubbly.

10. The longrunning Doctor Who series will see another incarnation of The Doctor in time for Christmas Day television. The umpteenth Doctor (a grandfather in the first series) will make his appearance from a well known boy band, further alienating loyal Whovians, in a celebrity packed episode when the Master (a rogue Time Lord with two hearts two sizes too small) aided by the Daleks and the Cybermen attempt to steal Earth’s Christmas presents and the Doctor has to put on a red suit and fake beard to foil his plans. Loyal fans vote it the worst episode since that one with Sylvester McCoy and the monsters made of sweets.


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